I know I need you like I've never done before
by Naked Clown
Summary: Five moments in Rachel Berry's life and how other people affect her in those moments.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing, that's why I'm not getting paid. Title and lyrics before each section are from "Help" by The Beatles.**

**AN: This is my first Glee fic, and first fanfic in a while, so hopefully it's not a total disaster. Some passing references to the first 13 episodes, but nothing you shouldn't already know. This is unbetaed, but I did spellcheck and grammarcheck it so there shouldn't be too many awful typos. Hope you like it; let me know what you think. **

i)** When I was younger, so much younger than today.**

The first time she realises she isn't like the other kids in town she's four years old. She's at kindergarten, they're talking about Mommy and Daddy and brothers and sisters, and she is the only one who has no Mommy and two Daddies. One little boy only has a Mommy because his Daddy was a soldier and he died in a faraway place, fighting bad people to keep them all safe. She tells Dad this at dinner and he tells her that the war was bad and the little boy's Daddy didn't die to keep everyone safe because that's not why the war was fought, (Daddy shoots him a look and Rachel gets a long talk about why she shouldn't tell the little boy that cos it might make him sad.)

Dad and Daddy have told her there are lots of different kinds of family, which is why Uncle Ben and Aunt Becca can swap their children for new ones, except for Daniel. Rachel would like to swap Daniel sometimes; her Daddies thought it was funny when she told them. So Rachel knows her family isn't normal, because no-one's is.

She sort of almost starts to make friends with a little dark-haired boy, he says he feels sorry for her having two Dads because Dads are worthless and one's bad enough. She tells him that her Dads are great and let her learn dancing and singing. He says that sounds lame and that Moms are totally better than Dads, she says she doesn't have a Mom, but that her Aunt Becca sort of pretends sometimes and likes it so much she pretends for other little boys and girls whose Moms and Dads are too busy to look after them and Uncle Ben likes pretending he's other kids' Dad. He says that sounds weird, she shrugs and says it sort of is cos one time this bigger boy tried to send her teddy to Mars, which she thinks Tony actually would have quite liked but Aunt Becca caught him and told him off and he wasn't there when they went back the next week. He says that he could totally send her teddy to Mars but the last time he and the boy next door (he's thirteen and going to high school next year and has this really weird hair that stands up in a big line down the middle of his head like a horse's mane) made bottle rockets his Dad got really mad and they had to go to the hospital but it was okay cos the kid next door drew Sonic the Hedgehog on his cast and everyone thought it was awesome.

Later Miss Metcalfe sits them in groups to draw and tells them that they have to share the crayons nicely. Rachel asks the dark-haired boy, whose name is Noah, if he minds her sharing his box, he sort of grunts in response and proceeds to steal all the 'awesome' crayons to draw a big dragon-type thing which he says is called Gazilla or something, she draws a princess who is the daughter of two kings. Since all the colours he deems 'lame' are the ones she likes, he agrees that if she likes them it might 'not suck' to share crayons again some time, though he will never understand why she doesn't like the ones he does due to their previously proclaimed awesomeness.

The next day she goes over to him when they're going to colour and asks if he wants to share. He calls her a two-Dadded freak and pushes her down. She doesn't know how to respond; she sniffles a bit but then decides she didn't really like him anyway. After all, she's not entirely sure the statement he made was factually inaccurate, despite the fact that it's hurtful.

When her Daddy comes to take her home he asks her if she played with Noah again today she shakes her head and tells him Noah doesn't like pink. (She knows that lying to Daddy is wrong, but she doesn't think it would be nice for him to know this truth.) Her Daddy laughs and agrees that that represents an insurmountable obstacle to lasting friendship. On the way home he buys them each a slushie and they compare the colours their tongues turn until the drinks are gone.

* * *

ii) **I never needed anybody's help in any way.**

She starts going to Hebrew classes for her Bat Mitzvah as the leaves begin to change colour, other girls in her year who will soon undergo the same rite of passage are already planning their amazing parties. Last week Noah Puckerman was Bar Mitzvahed and no-one's stopped talking about it since. Rachel wishes they would. It wouldn't be so bad if she just wasn't invited to stuff, but they make a special effort that they don't make with most people, Rachel Berry isn't just not invited she is _Not Invited_. People come up to her and let her know there is a party, but she can't come. Two weeks ago Noah had accompanied the 'uninvitation' with a slushie to her face, since then she's been hit with three of the icy drinks, she's pretty sure if she gets hit once more she'll be able to perfect the art of washing your hair with hand soap and a cup from the cafeteria. If it happens again, again she'll start keeping shampoo and a change of clothing in her locker, she's not _quite_ given up hope that it's a passing phase, the same part of her that believes she will one day find fame on Broadway holds fast to the belief that they can't hate her that much, cos none of them have ever really got to know her.

Rachel knows that she will not have a big party, even if her fathers organise one. She knows that no-one will turn up, or worse they will, and she'll be all alone _at her own party_ and her fathers will see how _everyone_ hates her. The humiliation of no-one coming would be better than the humiliation of her Dads knowing she's such a loser that even the losers don't like her.

She walks through the leaves for an hour after each class, the other girls go out for ice cream and Rachel can't bear to tell her fathers she was Not Invited. She crunches the first fallen leaves like a private metronome and begins singing her portion of the Torah to herself, she may not be popular but she can be perfect for her fathers and then they'll be proud and it won't matter that Noah Puckerman had half the school at his party and even some high schoolers, sure they were freshman, but it's not something Rachel can even dream of.

Her Dad picks her up two blocks from Baskin Robbins, because it's totally _lame_ for your Dad to pick you up when you're nearly thirteen, or when you were Not Invited. On the way home she tells him that after her Bat mitvah she'd really like something quiet with just them and maybe Uncle Ben and Aunt Becca and Daniel. Dad tries to tell her that everyone should have a big party, that her Daddy had one and was really excited for hers. But she begs and pleads, she sees her friends every day at school and none of the people she really likes are Jewish so it doesn't really make sense to have a Jewish party with them all there. Dad agrees to persuade Daddy, and he does. Rachel goes home after her Bat Mitzvah and they eat Daddy's famous Cajun Tofurkey Pizza and she sings Defying Gravity and everyone tells her how good she is, except Daniel who tells her she sounds like Barbara Streisand (which, since he's a South Park fan, is not a compliment). And when she hits the high F it's as good as Noah Puckerman's party because it means she'll get out of this town and away from them all and they'll be nothing more than an obstacle she overcame.

One day she'll tell Letterman, or Leno, or Carson or whoever the hell is doing their jobs when she's famous, about the slushies and silence and everything, and on that day she'll laugh and whoever'll laugh because it'll be sad and silly and so _High School_. And them? They'll switch channels cos ESPN's showing the highlights of the latest big game.

* * *

iii) **But now, those days are gone, I'm not so self-assured.**

The thing she hates is that Mr Schuester takes _Tonight_ from her, if he wants to give Tina a solo that's fine by her (okay, no, it's not, but it's _understandable_, Tina's too often sharp, so she does need the practise). But, couldn't he have chosen something else? Maybe it's an overreaction, but she doesn't really care, _everyone_ hates her, even the kids in glee.

Still, she shines it all on, because it's nothing more than fodder for the 'awkward high school years' chapters of her autobiography. Kurt tells his tormentors they will work for him; she sees them as little more than the dust she will leave in her wake as she blazes her trail to stardom.

Sometimes she cries herself to sleep. But, she never cries in front of them, and she never cries so her Dads can hear.

Noah Puckerman hasn't slushied her since he joined glee, he hasn't exactly talked to her either. This just means that the change of clothes sits in her locker, mockingly reminding her that they probably find the build up to be half the fun.

She knows the play isn't a solution by any stretch of the imagination, it will most likely only lead to her being ostracized by the last few people who actually talk to her in this school (even in her own head she doesn't go so far as to say they like her, or kid herself that they're her friends), but she needs _something_. The thing Mr. Schue obviously doesn't get is that glee isn't what she _does_, it's who she _is_, if he gives away her solo he's giving away the _only_ thing she has that makes her feel good about herself: the fact she can _really_ sing.

She's heading to meet Mr. Ryerson for a rehearsal and has to pass near the choir room, as she does she hears a voice say

"That Rachel chick makes me want to light myself on fire, but she can sing."

She's late to the auditorium and is berated for ten minutes straight by Mr. Ryerson, but she'd had to hide in the girls' bathroom and cry when she realised it was possibly the nicest thing anyone who wasn't related to her had said about her in weeks.

She buys lipstick in fives every Saturday. They end up in the toilet, but her fathers would notice if she didn't wear make up. She always buys a cheap brand, and when Aunt Becca asks why, she tells her it's just a colour she really likes.

Sometimes she wonders if her life would be easier if she had just _one_ friend to share all this with, and then she thinks how that person would probably only receive the same treatment she does, and she wouldn't wish her life on _anyone_.

She has mad skills. She can wash and dry her hair in the girls' bathroom in less than fifteen minutes. She can remove primary coloured syrup from light clothing so not a trace is left by hand washing it for 45minutes in her bathroom sink. She can weep without making a single sound. She can _even_ like that Noah Puckerman thinks she can sing after everything he's put her through.

* * *

iv) **Now I find, I've changed my mind.**

She doesn't really know why she agrees to work on the mash-up with him, probably because he makes an overture of friendship and she's not exactly in a position to turn that down.

When he asks her if she wants to make out she agrees, after all it's not like she gets that many offers, and it's not like Finn's banging her door down, or will be any time soon, since the announcement of Quinn's pregnancy.

Even though the kissing's good there's a little voice in the back of her head that worries she's doing it wrong, but she can feel him smile against her lips so she doesn't worry too much. They roll around on her bed, he's kind of heavy, and when he's on top she feels trapped and her brain starts screaming at her that she'd be at his mercy. He doesn't seem to mind when she's on top though, not if the way he uses the opportunity to squeeze her ass is anything to go by.

She lets herself enjoy it, in spite of the slushie facials and general torment, cos he's attractive and he seems to want her. When she sees Finn in his place she can't do it any longer, because it's not fair to him, and she's pretty sure there's some crazy messed up poetry to the fact she won't treat _Noah frigging Puckerman_ badly.

But then he _woos_ her, literally stands up and says "I want to be worthy of you." Actually, he stands up sings Neil Diamond and takes her to his truck where he spends 45minutes trying to get to second base, and when it doesn't work immediately goes for third (the explanation for which involves several kinds of logic, none of which she understands, and probably never will).

Having Puck around for that week is nice, even if she's fairly sure he tunes out when her mouth is running and she can't make it stop. _However_, the whole time she's waiting for the other shoe to drop, she's not sure what it'll be, maybe her feelings for Finn or his for Quinn. There's even a little part of her that thinks he's just trying to get in her pants as a new form of humiliation, some bizarre stealth attack. But, she's nearly almost totally convinced that that's just her being crazy.

He actually _apologises_ to her, but it's not _quite_ enough, and _she's_ not quite enough. She gets it when he says he's choosing football, if she'd ever had any choice in the matter _she'd _choose something else too. When he doesn't follow through, it doesn't make her realise that they have some previously undreamt of future, if anything it just drives home how wrong what they're doing is in the wider scheme of things, even if in that single moment she feels better about herself than she can ever remember.

She breaks up with him for various reasons on the bleachers and says she wants to stay friends, he says they weren't. She wants to chase him down and say "No shit, Sherlock." (An appropriate phrase even if cursing is the resort of the poorly educated.) "However, in light of the last seven days I thought we'd _become_ friends." She doesn't though, because for all she knows he just decided to see what he could get out of the girl he tortured with a few nice words.

She could forgive him so easily before since he didn't know who she was, or what any of what he did meant to her or for her, she'd made very sure of that. But, then and there? He knew _exactly_ what he was doing, it was a surgical strike designed to hurt and humiliate her, to hit her in her most vulnerable spot, and she can't forgive that till he asks.

* * *

v) **I've opened up the door.**

She's heading out the door when the call comes, Mr. Schue inviting her to the Glee Christmas pageant. She tells him she'd love to but she's got a place in a chorus line, the pay's terrible, still, it's a step in the right direction. Anyway travel plans are a red eye on the 23rd and hoping she doesn't get snowed in, so, much as she'd love to be there, she just won't be in Lima. He invites her to the third annual Schuester-Pillsbury Christmas Eve get-together, she says that despite her Judaism she'd love to, he laughs and tells her she sounds like Puck. She resents that and feels it's unnecessarily cruel of him to say it; she keeps the opinion to herself though explaining that she has to get to the theatre. Mr. Schue laughs and tells her he's glad she's on her way.

When she finally gets to the party, after the journey from hell, Mr. Schue starts trying to get glee's first genuine Broadway star to grace them with a solo, but Rachel avoids it. She says she just want to catch up and see the new New Directions perform.

"C'mon Rachel, everyone in this room knows you're the best we've had through since April Rhodes was in Glee." He says encouragingly, ever oblivious to the effect his words have on other people.

"Nice as it is to be compared to a washed-up lush; I think I'll still decline. After all, I missed the big concert, so I'd love to know how our replacements are bearing up under your tutelage."

Everyone sort of stares for a moment and then Mr. Schue has the new club sing "Let it Snow". Rachel heads to a corner to talk to Quinn and see the new photos Sarah's adoptive parents sent. Quinn shows them quietly in the corner not letting Finn see, because it's still a sore point and always will be; avoidance will forever remain their go to coping mechanism. She tears a little as she explains how the girl was in the nativity this year and she and Puck were invited; Rachel hugs her and for a moment, at the back of her mind, remembers that there actually _was_ a time when they weren't friends.

"I would love to hear you sing Rach, it's been way too long."

"It's been a few months; I just want to sing with you guys, that's been way too long." She says remembering the keg-fuelled jam session at the big graduation party.

"Jeez, who _are_ you and what have you done with Berry?" Neither girl had noticed his approach.

"Noah, what are you talking about?"

"You, we're all freaked out because we _don't _have to worry about you selling our organs on the black-market to get a solo. Seriously dude, it's weirder than when we did." Quinn would object on her friend's behalf but, a: it's kinda true, and b: she thinks this may well become the most entertaining night out she's had for a while (who knew frat parties were so dull?).

"You're exaggerating."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am. Not!"

"You are. I would only go through the unpleasant experience of harvesting organs for a leading _Broadway_ role, not a solo at glee." Quinn clamps her lips between her teeth to prevent her laughter escaping, this is definitely the most fun she's had in a while, Rachel and Puck sniping is way better than keg-stands.

"Holy Crap! Seriously, who _are_ you?" Puck's face is a perfect picture of shock, but his eyes are dancing, because _no-one_ takes the bait like Rachel Berry.

"Stop overreacting it was a joke." Rachel rolls her eyes at him, in that slightly patronising way he, in fact all of them, have missed so much since her departure in July.

"Yes, and Rachel Berry doesn't make jokes, or refuse solos" Puck stares at her legs "or wear _pants_!" Puck's over the top parody of horrified astonishment becomes too much and Quinn gives up on her quiet giggles and laughs so hard she falls off the loveseat. "You're an impostor!" His loud exclamations and Quinn's tumble have caught the rest of the party's attention.

"Noah, when did you decide to fully integrate your extremely melodramatic reactions so fully into the landscape of your personality? I have exactly three days here I wish to spend that time catching up with friends as opposed to performing, I have always had wit, though you may not have _appreciated_ it and I find that pants and cold weather are a better mix than skirts and the aforementioned weather. So if you don't mind leaving Quinn and I to our conversation, the current glee club members' mothers will surely be coming to collect them for curfew soon enough." She sits down and attempts to hoist Quinn from the giggling mass she has become on the floor.

"Kurt, dude, I totally found her!" He reaches down and pulls her up and off her feet in a huge bear hug. "Berry, nice to have you back. And I think I speak for everyone when I say "If you don't sing for us right now we're gonna have to start rethinking the foundations of our current belief system"."

The original New Directions agree wholeheartedly and Rachel blushes a little, the new New Directions all seem pretty ambivalent to everything their predecessors do, but no objection is tantamount to consent, so she relents.

"What do you guys want me to sing?"

"What do you think Rachel?" Kurt asks, accenting it with an overly flamboyant eyeroll.

"Okay, but you guys can hear anything..."

"Sing it, Berry, before we all decide it'd be lame." Puck sticks his palm in the centre of her back and shoves her at the piano following in case she needs another.

"Thank you, Noah, for that shining endorsement. I'm assuming you have the music Mr. Schue?" She shoves him back a little as she heads towards her former teacher.

"Sure Rachel." He replies setting up at the piano.

"Listen up, new glee dudes; this shit's how you kill at sectionals."

"Noah! Language!" Rachel scolds over the opening bars before segueing perfectly into "Don't tell me not to live, just sit and putter..."

**AN2: According to Wikipedia large parties for a Bat/Bar Mitzvah are the standard way of celebrating, however, they aren't necessary (if this is wrong it serves me right for using Wikipedia as my source) which is why I decided it was okay to have Rachel choose something smaller.**


End file.
